Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Being inside

and again, a not-related post picture just to "beautify" my blog

so i haven't been updating. i vowed i will never abandoned my blog but somewhat i did. you can't blame me right, i mean, people changed. 
most of the free time i had will be spent on my boyfriend (ugh, totally inseparable), music (the wanderers) , and my shop thingy (still going on, growing now. woo hoo)

so ya, and also i felt a little useless on the downside of everything. 
like, i am majoring in broadcasting and film! dude, im suppose to be producing videos, holding the camera like a pro, writing scripts even with blindfolds over my eye, or just having ideas!

no and ever since i came to uni, i had been really self conscious, like my course mates know what they are doing in their fields, even if they are not perfect in some parts, they are still perfect in another part. and i try to find myself in it, 
i'm always been so quiet around that somehow i felt useless, timid not to try, timid not to say "hey, this is not good, i think my shots are better" because i felt unsure whether i am right or they are right or they just seem soooo convincing that i 
 just stay quiet and followed orders. 
this happen since the start of Uni till now.  

there's really nothing good i can do?
am i just going going to broadcast and film by supplying cameras, camera stand, cars and just gadgets? where do i learn?
i want to learn. 
seriously, but i dn't know where to start. 
don't say i didnt try. i've been exploring Final Cut Pro for a long time now, but nobody seem to use that software though. 

i'm not good in anything aren't i?
i try to comfort myself, well at least i still like dressing up. but my weight is killing me. i'm growing horizontally. there's nothing nice i can wear these days without going anywhere and people saying 
"Ann, you are fat"
now i realize they are not joking like they used to
i'm expanding 
i hate wearing shorts because it emphasizes my thigh
long pants is nightmare to me, it just make me look short and fat
even skirts which are suppose to cover up my fats underneath failed to do so because my stomach is bigger than my boobs

actually i always had no problem with my weight until everybody started tellin me i'm fat and it's getting to be an issue to me
like it's a crime for me to be fat
Goatie say "as long as you are healthy, is fine."
i thought my weight is healthy enough
hey if you ever see the weight chart, i'm under NORMAL
are you telling me being NORMAL is FAT
that i'm suppose to look like a beansprout or something so that when i shower, i will get sucked into the shower pithole because i'm too skinny?

so these are my inner thoughts
the unsatisfied thoughts i kept along inside me
which i chose not to reveal because i'm normally a peace loving person
except when it comes to Goatie, i love arguing with him because i would love to see him get mad at me one day (which unfortunately after almost six months of being together, still no sign of him having a blow at me for being childishly mad at him for no reason)

so i realize is all up to me 
1. i need to have my OWN opinion and be self righteous a bit. Be confident and say "i want to learn. Let me try that, Let me do this , I can do it." 
2. watch my weight. i DO not want to Expand anymore 48kg is the limit. Heck, Goatie is only 55kg if i'm not mistaken. 



Sunday, March 20, 2016

And i realize he IS important

It is almost 1 am now, 
been thinking alot, trying to indulge myself with other things but it kept coming back to me.

Yes, i am overly worried, sensitive, and i keep thinking other things which infact is only a small thing.

i apologize, i  am not good at telling things face to face unlike him who opted for confrontation instead of text messages. Somehow it is quite comforting too, to actually lay my head crying on your shoulder and having your arms around me to tell me to don't think too much. 

I THINK too much, yes
and in fact it is also girl by nature to think too much. i don't ever expect boys to understand why. 

i am often scared of the future, because everything i do and what i had chose is for the future,not present. If you are sayin  what makes me happy now is all that matters, it is wrong. No, having a future with him is what makes me happy now in present. 

i cried a lot, i never cried so much before in front of him. 
i always feel embarrassed  to cry in front of you because i do not like the way i look. 
in fact, i had flashbacks of what we had both endure 5 months ago. it seems traumatic, like every stress i endured that period of time was finally released out in his arms today. 

i don't know how to express myself well verbally, only through words, i chose to write. 

Dear ZY, 
i realized i became extremely unhappy ever since the start of semester break. i was never once happy straight for 48 hrs. i always felt insecure but i still don't know why. I know most of your free time, u had already sacrificed all for me, and yet is never enough. why am i being unhappy.

Your words shook me. hard. 
"are you happy being with me? or are you sad?"
i realized i was never happy for a long time. 
why am i such a sad person. 

even though i know there was a week where you came over and cook me herbal medicine patiently even though you haven't slept enough. 
even though you came over early in the morning to buy me breakfast 
even though you rushes to me every time after you went out for your site survey because you know i was waiting for you
even though you sacrifice not going back to your hostel almost everyday during day time so that you can sit with me and talk to me . 
even though you bring me to all the places i wish to go 
even though you accommodate most of the things i wish to do and wish to eat
even though you always let me drink your water because you know how getting water from my own house is hard 
even though you save so much and thrift, you still ended up buying things that matter most for me. 
even though i am so sad and miserable all the time, you never once loose your temper on me. 
even though i had hit ur injured eyes once, accidentally hit your balls, dropped your phone, sat on your laptop,  step on your new shoe, yelled at you, scolded you, rude to you, slamming the door right at your face because i was angry for nothing, you never once get angry at me. 
there is always a smile on your face. 
and yet why am i still such a miserable girl. 

you shook my heart just now by saying "i did all these to make you feel secure," You knew i was never secured all the time. "i am disappointed that if i did all these, you never seem to notice or appreciate"

i did appreciate all. all the little tiny bits of thing i did notice. if not i won't be writing all the bits and pieces you had done for me.
i just forget all the good you did if i ever overthink something of your actions. 
i am sorry
deeply sorry

i am most probably the worst girlfriend you ever met. 
do you still have no regrets on taking this path with me?

do you?


and so he wrap me in his arms until i soak his shirt wet. 
"let's work together, let's mend you, " he said. 
i don't know what's so touching about mending me is, but he accepted me. 
just like how he thought my panic disorder can be mend by taking me to the chinese meds doctor who find nothing wrong with me but gave me weird herbs to soothe his worries. 

yes, i can't promise him i will be mended. being sad is my nature maybe. 
but there are always happy time, it is just that we don't always focus on the good things that happen.
because usually, only the bad things can trigger the seriousness of an issue. 
just like a plane crash and a plane successfully landed on the runway. 
a plane crash makes it to the headline while a plane landed on the runway without any bump will just be ignored. 

and yes
he IS important to me


Friday, January 29, 2016

Why am i afraid?

Why am  i afraid

why am i afraid of letting people know who you are
why am i afraid of this love
why am i afraid all the time

just like every single relationship, there's always a feeling of fear
like a fear of loosing
a fear of doing the right thing or not
but i'm sure it has already passed
the phase is gone. 

i'm bliss
but not really, at times i still wake up and think about how i had little faith in this
which is not what a relationship should have and should be. 
although i say it is full of insecurities , i still can't understand why am i feeling that way 
when he gave me sooo much time of his to me
making sure i had no wild thoughts growing around me
making an effort
why am i still afraid. 

i still had no idea why, is like i'm afraid he'll be gone after he got me. 
and realize
yes, before all the rumors going on, 
before everyone starts to tell me my decision is wrong
before everyone starts popping out of nowhere telling me i'm falling into a trap
i was blissful. he was the one. the right one. i never felt so right the whole time.
the minute we talked and seem to be talking each other's mind
we think alike
is like every time our eyes met, we know it's right
it is just right. 
very right. 
just at the very wrong time...

and then when everyone knows what happen
they think it is wrong. 
EVERYTHING seems wrong to them. 
i know they are trying to protect me
they are afraid i will get hurt. 
and everytime without him, my heart was shaken. 
was afraid. VERY afraid. doubtful i guess, because how well do i know him after all. but you can't judge it through time. 
you judge it to the amount of time you spent with him. 

but when he rushes to me everytime i told him i am feeling uncertain about us
the sight of him that he worries
not for himself
but for me
i just feel heck, this just feels right, just give it a try. Who knows they are all wrong. 
we are just right. 

and now it's been months
there are a few ups and down. 
down when i am always doubtful. 
down when i am being silly over-thinking at small little things. 
down when i am here right now, alone waiting for school to reopen to be back in his arms. 

there are many ups 
i had seen so much together with him. 
i get to do things i like with him. 
we had compromised to each other. 
in fact, i think he had spoil me to bits sometimes. i felt blessed
yet afraid if all these good things will last or was it just temporary. 

why is there so many people saying
i hope you guys last long 
well, as long as you are happy
well, as long as he treats you good

it feels like it won't last long at all 
Like any minute, this ship is going to sink in or something. 
i had little faith in this, that is why i am easily shaken at these thoughts. 
i don't feel that way at all when nobody knows of us, 
in fact, i think our ship will sink if you guys keep saying that it will!

i had view our relationship negatively all the time, 
i am amaze at how he always had to deal with me having such faith in it. 
and now
i realize. 
i am being really unfair 
very unfair. 
seeing that i had give it a try,  i had made this decision, 
i should not keep looking at it negatively. 

i had spent too much time paying attention to all those negative aspects people had thrown to me
affecting and influencing me
that i had forget
i forget to love him better

why am i still afraid :(


Sunday, January 10, 2016

Happy New Year 2016

Happy New year everybody! i'm about 11 days late from this happy new year post. 
I celebrated new year at Gurney with important people in my life. It was soo soo much better than the one last year at Karpal Singh, Seriously, no more Karpal Singh anymore in the future. And i had fun taking pictures with them, like seriously i felt quite elated at the fact that my car didnt broke down like last year and everything went smoothly this time with fireworks and great band. 

took a whole lot of pictures that night, and of all those god damn pictures, i look like a potato. well, okay, so i manage to snatch a balloon and left it in the car to die until now. 

Anyway.  i never really blog about big moments that happened during 2015. like the fact i had sacrificed almost everything to be a part of a concert (i didn't even god damn blog about it after it had consumed about 3 months of my time extensively about 18 hrs a day for it, i am alive!, thank god im alive! yesssh, im alive)

I dont have much new year resolution because i know most of it would just fail and you never grow bitter of it despite the fact that nothing ever achieve and yet you just feel the need to join this trend because you just had to =.=
i don't know what i'm blabbering about but here it is

  • To Blog More 
  • To loose a few weight
  • learn to say "no"
  • dye my hair 
  • grew out my fringe
  • reach 5k followers for my instashop


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Reasons why i start a new blog

Brand New blog~

Damn, i didn't know i had the guts to just abandon my 5 years old blog which meant the whole world to me judging by how many countless posts i did back then when i am really a BLOGGER~
well, i finally did it
welcome to Ann Ribbon (also my instagram username)
i genuinely used it too many time it can also be my surname. 

and yes, i'm suppose to be studying. GIVE me a break, i had too much Communication Theory in my head

Reasons why i start a new blog

  1. Contents are too messy
You know you get people seeing this and they be rolling their eyes saying "just delete those stuff that are messy". 
Yeah, try doing that on my blog. I'm not referring to my ultra-boring-nothing-special-but-full-of-advertisements layout but also my post as well. 
I'm no OCD, but even a non-OCD people would go berserk looking at it. 
I just piled everything over every post. i am SOOOO not good at organizing anyway. 
By the way, those advertisement banners around my sidebars are getting more and more out of hand. 
I had no eyes to see
so buh-bye. 

you know you had those blogwalkers that leaving footprints all over your post, not only that ,also spamming it with MULTIPLE comments instead of one?
Yeah, those blogwalkers ANNOY me. 
No, i don't need to visit your site to buy those slimming pills. (am i that fat?) 
No, i don't need to check out your site to get more followers. 
No, i don't need to view your products enlisted in your website.

    3.Images can't load
I had no idea why, most of my images are just not there anymore. Like literally disappear. Okay i felt abit wasted that i had spent so much time editing my pics for advertorials and it turned out to be like..NOTHING.. but now when it's not even there, i don't feel wasted to abandon my blog just like that. 
Huh, maybe i can filter most of my pictures first before i post anything up this time. 

    4.Rubbish Posts
I don't know how to define rubbish posts. but some post are just POST for the sake of updating. Not very professional, not very ME. 
and there a few emotional posts, i wish i can delete, but there is just too many i couldn't be bothered anymore. 

   5. Too many advertorials!
I think i mentioned it quite alot of time in this post. 
Hey, advertorials are good, it means i'm earning money through blogging. But when there is too many, and you make your blog look like is a advertisement catalog instead of a BLOG, nope.. you have to space out, girl
So when i realize maybe i had too much reliance on "Only updating my blog when there is a sponsored post", i think i need to "clean" my blog. I'm not closing my doors to more opportunities out there, but i am definitely filtering it.

  6.My domain name sucks
Minor issue, i can always change the domain name anytime i want. 
haha, just an excuse to move to a new blog anyway. Plus i had used that blog domain in most of the affiliate program i signed up for. 

Starting afresh is hard, i had to go through a lot to build up my platform again seeing that i had not been updating consistently for the past one whole year? hahahaha, anyway, i had to make my new year resolution fast. 
But i believe, a new blog will be a better start for me (:

Merry Christmas Eve to everyone!

in case you are wondering how my old blog looks like
here's the link

Well, i'm back to blogging now!