Sunday, March 20, 2016

And i realize he IS important

It is almost 1 am now, 
been thinking alot, trying to indulge myself with other things but it kept coming back to me.

Yes, i am overly worried, sensitive, and i keep thinking other things which infact is only a small thing.

i apologize, i  am not good at telling things face to face unlike him who opted for confrontation instead of text messages. Somehow it is quite comforting too, to actually lay my head crying on your shoulder and having your arms around me to tell me to don't think too much. 

I THINK too much, yes
and in fact it is also girl by nature to think too much. i don't ever expect boys to understand why. 

i am often scared of the future, because everything i do and what i had chose is for the future,not present. If you are sayin  what makes me happy now is all that matters, it is wrong. No, having a future with him is what makes me happy now in present. 

i cried a lot, i never cried so much before in front of him. 
i always feel embarrassed  to cry in front of you because i do not like the way i look. 
in fact, i had flashbacks of what we had both endure 5 months ago. it seems traumatic, like every stress i endured that period of time was finally released out in his arms today. 

i don't know how to express myself well verbally, only through words, i chose to write. 

Dear ZY, 
i realized i became extremely unhappy ever since the start of semester break. i was never once happy straight for 48 hrs. i always felt insecure but i still don't know why. I know most of your free time, u had already sacrificed all for me, and yet is never enough. why am i being unhappy.

Your words shook me. hard. 
"are you happy being with me? or are you sad?"
i realized i was never happy for a long time. 
why am i such a sad person. 

even though i know there was a week where you came over and cook me herbal medicine patiently even though you haven't slept enough. 
even though you came over early in the morning to buy me breakfast 
even though you rushes to me every time after you went out for your site survey because you know i was waiting for you
even though you sacrifice not going back to your hostel almost everyday during day time so that you can sit with me and talk to me . 
even though you bring me to all the places i wish to go 
even though you accommodate most of the things i wish to do and wish to eat
even though you always let me drink your water because you know how getting water from my own house is hard 
even though you save so much and thrift, you still ended up buying things that matter most for me. 
even though i am so sad and miserable all the time, you never once loose your temper on me. 
even though i had hit ur injured eyes once, accidentally hit your balls, dropped your phone, sat on your laptop,  step on your new shoe, yelled at you, scolded you, rude to you, slamming the door right at your face because i was angry for nothing, you never once get angry at me. 
there is always a smile on your face. 
and yet why am i still such a miserable girl. 

you shook my heart just now by saying "i did all these to make you feel secure," You knew i was never secured all the time. "i am disappointed that if i did all these, you never seem to notice or appreciate"

i did appreciate all. all the little tiny bits of thing i did notice. if not i won't be writing all the bits and pieces you had done for me.
i just forget all the good you did if i ever overthink something of your actions. 
i am sorry
deeply sorry

i am most probably the worst girlfriend you ever met. 
do you still have no regrets on taking this path with me?

do you?


and so he wrap me in his arms until i soak his shirt wet. 
"let's work together, let's mend you, " he said. 
i don't know what's so touching about mending me is, but he accepted me. 
just like how he thought my panic disorder can be mend by taking me to the chinese meds doctor who find nothing wrong with me but gave me weird herbs to soothe his worries. 

yes, i can't promise him i will be mended. being sad is my nature maybe. 
but there are always happy time, it is just that we don't always focus on the good things that happen.
because usually, only the bad things can trigger the seriousness of an issue. 
just like a plane crash and a plane successfully landed on the runway. 
a plane crash makes it to the headline while a plane landed on the runway without any bump will just be ignored. 

and yes
he IS important to me