Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Being inside

and again, a not-related post picture just to "beautify" my blog

so i haven't been updating. i vowed i will never abandoned my blog but somewhat i did. you can't blame me right, i mean, people changed. 
most of the free time i had will be spent on my boyfriend (ugh, totally inseparable), music (the wanderers) , and my shop thingy (still going on, growing now. woo hoo)

so ya, and also i felt a little useless on the downside of everything. 
like, i am majoring in broadcasting and film! dude, im suppose to be producing videos, holding the camera like a pro, writing scripts even with blindfolds over my eye, or just having ideas!

no and ever since i came to uni, i had been really self conscious, like my course mates know what they are doing in their fields, even if they are not perfect in some parts, they are still perfect in another part. and i try to find myself in it, 
i'm always been so quiet around that somehow i felt useless, timid not to try, timid not to say "hey, this is not good, i think my shots are better" because i felt unsure whether i am right or they are right or they just seem soooo convincing that i 
 just stay quiet and followed orders. 
this happen since the start of Uni till now.  

there's really nothing good i can do?
am i just going going to broadcast and film by supplying cameras, camera stand, cars and just gadgets? where do i learn?
i want to learn. 
seriously, but i dn't know where to start. 
don't say i didnt try. i've been exploring Final Cut Pro for a long time now, but nobody seem to use that software though. 

i'm not good in anything aren't i?
i try to comfort myself, well at least i still like dressing up. but my weight is killing me. i'm growing horizontally. there's nothing nice i can wear these days without going anywhere and people saying 
"Ann, you are fat"
now i realize they are not joking like they used to
i'm expanding 
i hate wearing shorts because it emphasizes my thigh
long pants is nightmare to me, it just make me look short and fat
even skirts which are suppose to cover up my fats underneath failed to do so because my stomach is bigger than my boobs

actually i always had no problem with my weight until everybody started tellin me i'm fat and it's getting to be an issue to me
like it's a crime for me to be fat
Goatie say "as long as you are healthy, is fine."
i thought my weight is healthy enough
hey if you ever see the weight chart, i'm under NORMAL
are you telling me being NORMAL is FAT
that i'm suppose to look like a beansprout or something so that when i shower, i will get sucked into the shower pithole because i'm too skinny?

so these are my inner thoughts
the unsatisfied thoughts i kept along inside me
which i chose not to reveal because i'm normally a peace loving person
except when it comes to Goatie, i love arguing with him because i would love to see him get mad at me one day (which unfortunately after almost six months of being together, still no sign of him having a blow at me for being childishly mad at him for no reason)

so i realize is all up to me 
1. i need to have my OWN opinion and be self righteous a bit. Be confident and say "i want to learn. Let me try that, Let me do this , I can do it." 
2. watch my weight. i DO not want to Expand anymore 48kg is the limit. Heck, Goatie is only 55kg if i'm not mistaken. 



1 comment:

  1. Hello, i am blogger ziyang, I love ur blog but i am going to sleep now, love u most