Friday, January 29, 2016

Why am i afraid?

Why am  i afraid

why am i afraid of letting people know who you are
why am i afraid of this love
why am i afraid all the time

just like every single relationship, there's always a feeling of fear
like a fear of loosing
a fear of doing the right thing or not
but i'm sure it has already passed
the phase is gone. 

i'm bliss
but not really, at times i still wake up and think about how i had little faith in this
which is not what a relationship should have and should be. 
although i say it is full of insecurities , i still can't understand why am i feeling that way 
when he gave me sooo much time of his to me
making sure i had no wild thoughts growing around me
making an effort
why am i still afraid. 

i still had no idea why, is like i'm afraid he'll be gone after he got me. 
and realize
yes, before all the rumors going on, 
before everyone starts to tell me my decision is wrong
before everyone starts popping out of nowhere telling me i'm falling into a trap
i was blissful. he was the one. the right one. i never felt so right the whole time.
the minute we talked and seem to be talking each other's mind
we think alike
is like every time our eyes met, we know it's right
it is just right. 
very right. 
just at the very wrong time...

and then when everyone knows what happen
they think it is wrong. 
EVERYTHING seems wrong to them. 
i know they are trying to protect me
they are afraid i will get hurt. 
and everytime without him, my heart was shaken. 
was afraid. VERY afraid. doubtful i guess, because how well do i know him after all. but you can't judge it through time. 
you judge it to the amount of time you spent with him. 

but when he rushes to me everytime i told him i am feeling uncertain about us
the sight of him that he worries
not for himself
but for me
i just feel heck, this just feels right, just give it a try. Who knows they are all wrong. 
we are just right. 

and now it's been months
there are a few ups and down. 
down when i am always doubtful. 
down when i am being silly over-thinking at small little things. 
down when i am here right now, alone waiting for school to reopen to be back in his arms. 

there are many ups 
i had seen so much together with him. 
i get to do things i like with him. 
we had compromised to each other. 
in fact, i think he had spoil me to bits sometimes. i felt blessed
yet afraid if all these good things will last or was it just temporary. 

why is there so many people saying
i hope you guys last long 
well, as long as you are happy
well, as long as he treats you good

it feels like it won't last long at all 
Like any minute, this ship is going to sink in or something. 
i had little faith in this, that is why i am easily shaken at these thoughts. 
i don't feel that way at all when nobody knows of us, 
in fact, i think our ship will sink if you guys keep saying that it will!

i had view our relationship negatively all the time, 
i am amaze at how he always had to deal with me having such faith in it. 
and now
i realize. 
i am being really unfair 
very unfair. 
seeing that i had give it a try,  i had made this decision, 
i should not keep looking at it negatively. 

i had spent too much time paying attention to all those negative aspects people had thrown to me
affecting and influencing me
that i had forget
i forget to love him better

why am i still afraid :(


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